The Critical Friend

Throughout our lives we build and rebuild our own map of reality. This map is made up of stories, experiences and incidents that have made us who we are. Our map is a place of familiarity and in many ways it keeps us safe from the rest of the world. The problem with our maps is that they tend not to have a control or regulatory button to check whether what the map says is true or not. We may develop our map in isolation and if we are not open to some kind of 'reality check' our map could potentially lead us down the wrong route. This process of reality checking is where it can be useful to have Critical Friend; someone your trust and someone who is experienced in giving feedback that is both positive but challenging. A Critical Friend may be your partner, a work colleague, a coach, or even your boss! Whoever you choose to use as your Critical Friend there are a few things you need to consider.
First make sure the person your want to use in this capacity is emotionally strong (or emotionally intelligent) - you do not want someone who cannot address complex and challenging issues without falling apart!
Next, consider why you want this particular person to act as your Critical Friend, what is it you admire about them, what will they bring to you that someone else cannot?
Think about what you want from this relationship and how it will work. Consider your Critical Friend and what their needs might be.
Finally think about how long this relationship will last. A true Critical Friend could be someone that you keep in touch with for many years so choose carefully.
Next blog will be on motivation!

Make me Assertive

Assertive? Aggressive? Quitely confident? Down right abrupt? All of these are comments we are familiar with and likely to hear in our workplace. But what is assertive and how do you become assertive? One defination quoted in Tosey and Gregory's Dictionary of Personal Development (2002) suggests assertiveness is 'a person's ability to act in his or her best interests, understanding what he or she needs or wants, and appropriately seeking the necessary gratification with out undue anxiety.' That's all very well but what does it mean in real life situations where we can often find expressing ourselves difficult.
It is clear that the ability to express our needs in a clear and articulate manner is linked to how we feel about ourselves at that moment and is also directly linked to our self esteem. So assertiveness is person and situation specific. In effect being assertive is about being able to say what you are thinking or feeling with due respect and regard for those around you. Making your point at the expense of others is moving towards aggressive behaviour.
Learning how to be assertive requires many things:
listening skills
the ability to understand and control your own emotions
an ability to articulate what you want to say making use of language that is not threatening
being very aware and taking regard of other people's feelings.
Phew! A lot to do if you are to genuinely be assertive. Thankfully I've a few tips to help.
First - no matter what the situation, clarify before you respond. Take a minute to ask what is expected of you (even if you know what you want to say) that way to 'buy' a little bit of time to form the words you will speak.
Second - speak slowly so that you can also listen to yourself and watch the reactions of others - this will allow you to moderate what you are saying if necessary.
Third - have a stock of key phrases you can use to help you become assertive!
This last part is essential as it will help you not be assertive without worrying too much. This idea is based on the old adage 'practice makes perfect'. If you are able to call on a few positive phrases to help state what you want then you are half way there. Here's an example "I understand that you are not the manager and are not able to make this decision, however, I do expect that you can make a note of my complaint. So if you would be so kind..."
The key words here are 'understand' - which creates empathy with the other person, 'however' - which suggests that you are not satisfied and more is to follow, and 'so' which is where you state what you want to happen next! In the example above it could be to call the manager, pass on your compaint or get him/her on the phone.
So being assertive takes practice, patience and careful consideration.
Next time I'll be blogging about the Critical Friend!

Unblocking the inflexible individual

We have all come across someone who is fixed in their views and is more likely to answer no than yes when asked if something can be done. This type of person can be infuriating to work with and can cause tensions in teams. So what do you do? Ignore them or pander to their behaviour? What you do is important because it will set a pattern for a long time that can be hard to break. People who are inflexible can tend to dismiss new ideas, focus on details (to thwart the discussion of bigger and more important topics)may hold grudges and can have fixed ideas or closed minds. The key to working alongside this type of person is to get them on side and to unblock their negative perceptions.
Sounds great but how do you achieve this? Well, first you need to invest time in listening to them - get them to open up about a particular situation, take notes and paraphrase them if needed to ensure you have a clear picture of what they are thinking. Ask them questions and give them time to show off - this will allow you to see where they are correct in their thinking and where the thinking has become corrupted by prejudice or misunderstanding. Do not challenge them directly at this point. Next you need to rebuild the picture of the situation this time ensuring that they see you as an expert - try to avoid negative words such as but. The idea is to form an alliance to resolve the situation.
You need to get the inflexible person to come up with solutions and possible ways out of the situation, ask lots of 'what if' questions as they do to point out the advantages and disadvantages of each solution. If you have a preferred option it may be possible to introduce this as a hypothetical solution upon which you seek their views!
You need to get commitment to action for the situation to change so ask for details (this is something the inflexible person should like) about how an option would work in practice, how would they contribute to this option and when would this option be put in place.
The inflexible person can be afraid of change, fear failure or prefer to know exactly what is to happen and when. This knowledge is central to you helping to move them on. In summary, you need to listen to their side of the 'story', build up your relationship so that you can work together, get the inflexible person to identify options for the way forward, get them to make commitment to actions and don't forget to follow through and evaluate the results.
Next time I'll be blogging about being assertive.

Beat the Bully

Any information given here is meant to help and is not intended as a substitute for professional support or advice.

It could be at school, at work, and sadly sometimes in our own homes where we might encounter bad behaviour. How to manage this can be difficult and challenging. There are common traits that emerge when you look more closely at bad behaviour and these traits can help us to deal with it when confronted by unacceptable behaviour. People who are bullies may themselves be experiencing some sort of bullying behaviour in another part of their life - this could be current or in their past. Regardless this is not an excuse for how they are behaving and it should not prevent you from taking action to protect yourself against the bully. Bullying behaviour can present itself in a number of ways - insensitive to the needs of others, competitive attitude that must win no matter what, controlling or domineering actions are all bullying behaviours. What we need to do is recognise these traits and stand up to them - challenge the behaviour. The aim is to make sure that in the future your interactions with the bully move from control to collaboration through helping the bully to learn new ways of gaining reward. First you need to get their attention and their respect by making it clear you know what they are doing and that it is unacceptable to you. You need to verbalise this while making direct eye contact (don't stare, just look them in the eye!).Use the bully's name and keep using it while you make it clear that the bullying is going to stop. Say what you need to say as many times as you need - don't let them shout you down. Keep summarising what you expect to happen in the future - "Michael, in future when we work together we will discuss our plans and we will not raise our voices or throw things around the room. We will agree actions that both of us can and will undertake." (Using the bully's full name can add impact).
You need to engage the bully in your challenge, they need to be asked what they expect and what you expect in the future. Keep your voice clear and strong. Assume you will be successful in the conversation and stay calm throughout the challenge. Rememnber to summarise what has been said, what has been agreed and if you need to put this 'agreement' in writing.
Stay positive and keep on track during this challenge. It is easy to get sidetracked so perhaps you might want to make notes so you can refer to what you need to say and what you want to happen in the future.
Key things to remember - speak clearly, use the bully's name - often, be specific about what needs change, don't let the bully interrupt you shout you down. Take a deep breath before you start your conversation and keep breathing slowly to stay calm.
Next time I'll be blogging about people who are very inflexible in their attitudes and how to unblock them!

Ethical Downsizing

When it comes to making people redundant it is always difficult to make this a positive experience, and the feelings of guilt (for those who remain in jobs) and anxiety of those losing jobs is very real. A good employer will make concrete plans to make sure anyone leaving the business does so in as positive a manner as possible. Afterall, ex-employees have a voice and can help retain your company's good reputation or ruin it dependant upon how they feel they have been treated.
So how can you approach downsizing in a positve manner? Well if after all efforts have been made to retain staff and the only way forward is job loses you need to think about how to exit people with enough support to help them move on. So, how about their CV, assuming they have one, is it up to date, fresh and attractive to potential employers? What about Interview Skills - how long has it been since these people were interviewed in a competitive environment? And what about the job market -where do people begin to look for work. Options other than work also need to be explored, what about self employment, partnership ventures with colleagues in the same situation, part time or voluntary work? These and many other options are valid and need to be explored so that people have a clear plan of action, with the skills and tools they needs to best determine how to spend their time while retaining their self esteem and confidence.
There are many other consideration for people changing the way they work and good practical advice on financial plans, working patterns and changes in their personal circumstances will all play a part. As a good, ethical employer, your task is to provide the supports that will help people reframe their thinking and see redundancy as an opportunity and not as the last exit to nothingness. You have invested cold hard cash training people, developing their skills and in return your business has benefited. Now that you have to downsize keep this investment philosophy going and help each individual to redesign their future by downsizing ethically.
Next time I'll be blogging about bad behaviour (with a focus on the bully) and how to manage it!