Make me Assertive

Assertive? Aggressive? Quitely confident? Down right abrupt? All of these are comments we are familiar with and likely to hear in our workplace. But what is assertive and how do you become assertive? One defination quoted in Tosey and Gregory's Dictionary of Personal Development (2002) suggests assertiveness is 'a person's ability to act in his or her best interests, understanding what he or she needs or wants, and appropriately seeking the necessary gratification with out undue anxiety.' That's all very well but what does it mean in real life situations where we can often find expressing ourselves difficult.
It is clear that the ability to express our needs in a clear and articulate manner is linked to how we feel about ourselves at that moment and is also directly linked to our self esteem. So assertiveness is person and situation specific. In effect being assertive is about being able to say what you are thinking or feeling with due respect and regard for those around you. Making your point at the expense of others is moving towards aggressive behaviour.
Learning how to be assertive requires many things:
listening skills
the ability to understand and control your own emotions
an ability to articulate what you want to say making use of language that is not threatening
being very aware and taking regard of other people's feelings.
Phew! A lot to do if you are to genuinely be assertive. Thankfully I've a few tips to help.
First - no matter what the situation, clarify before you respond. Take a minute to ask what is expected of you (even if you know what you want to say) that way to 'buy' a little bit of time to form the words you will speak.
Second - speak slowly so that you can also listen to yourself and watch the reactions of others - this will allow you to moderate what you are saying if necessary.
Third - have a stock of key phrases you can use to help you become assertive!
This last part is essential as it will help you not be assertive without worrying too much. This idea is based on the old adage 'practice makes perfect'. If you are able to call on a few positive phrases to help state what you want then you are half way there. Here's an example "I understand that you are not the manager and are not able to make this decision, however, I do expect that you can make a note of my complaint. So if you would be so kind..."
The key words here are 'understand' - which creates empathy with the other person, 'however' - which suggests that you are not satisfied and more is to follow, and 'so' which is where you state what you want to happen next! In the example above it could be to call the manager, pass on your compaint or get him/her on the phone.
So being assertive takes practice, patience and careful consideration.
Next time I'll be blogging about the Critical Friend!