Beat the Bully

Any information given here is meant to help and is not intended as a substitute for professional support or advice.

It could be at school, at work, and sadly sometimes in our own homes where we might encounter bad behaviour. How to manage this can be difficult and challenging. There are common traits that emerge when you look more closely at bad behaviour and these traits can help us to deal with it when confronted by unacceptable behaviour. People who are bullies may themselves be experiencing some sort of bullying behaviour in another part of their life - this could be current or in their past. Regardless this is not an excuse for how they are behaving and it should not prevent you from taking action to protect yourself against the bully. Bullying behaviour can present itself in a number of ways - insensitive to the needs of others, competitive attitude that must win no matter what, controlling or domineering actions are all bullying behaviours. What we need to do is recognise these traits and stand up to them - challenge the behaviour. The aim is to make sure that in the future your interactions with the bully move from control to collaboration through helping the bully to learn new ways of gaining reward. First you need to get their attention and their respect by making it clear you know what they are doing and that it is unacceptable to you. You need to verbalise this while making direct eye contact (don't stare, just look them in the eye!).Use the bully's name and keep using it while you make it clear that the bullying is going to stop. Say what you need to say as many times as you need - don't let them shout you down. Keep summarising what you expect to happen in the future - "Michael, in future when we work together we will discuss our plans and we will not raise our voices or throw things around the room. We will agree actions that both of us can and will undertake." (Using the bully's full name can add impact).
You need to engage the bully in your challenge, they need to be asked what they expect and what you expect in the future. Keep your voice clear and strong. Assume you will be successful in the conversation and stay calm throughout the challenge. Rememnber to summarise what has been said, what has been agreed and if you need to put this 'agreement' in writing.
Stay positive and keep on track during this challenge. It is easy to get sidetracked so perhaps you might want to make notes so you can refer to what you need to say and what you want to happen in the future.
Key things to remember - speak clearly, use the bully's name - often, be specific about what needs change, don't let the bully interrupt you shout you down. Take a deep breath before you start your conversation and keep breathing slowly to stay calm.
Next time I'll be blogging about people who are very inflexible in their attitudes and how to unblock them!